in deep trouble

It's 3 am.. I'm in the middle of writing a paper that's due tomorrow for sociology.

I just got the most overwhelming realization of failure. I've really failed. I've failed my sorority sisters, I've failed my mother, and I've failed myself. Somewhere during this Spring Semester, I got lost. I've never known how hard the actual world is. College is HARD. High school didn't prepare me for anything... So.. as I'm trying to write something to try and get 30 points, I can't stop thinking about all of the points I've missed. I'm almost sure that I will not be passing General Chemistry II. Why have I been so apathetic about the homework that was due. Why did I just let myself say, "I don't care."? Now that finals week is next week, I feel that I've let everything slip through my fingers and there's nothing I can do now... I'm so SCREWED.

Disappointment rushes over me... I've never, ever, ever, done this bad in school. What is wrong with me??? Will this screw up my chances of getting into med school?

my life is practically over.

Jai Ho

...may victory be yours  :D

I'm in such good spirits right now.  I made $70 in tips tonight and I start phlebotomy class tomorrow!  I'm super excited for this class.  I love learning about the body and its function, so I hope this class will be saweeet.

Spring is hopefully here for good.  I need that sunshine when I walk to class and drive to work.  I want it to be warm so I can be free from coats!

Only 4 more weeks of classes..

Summer, here I come!

friend?

chicks before dicks.

that should be my life motto because a friend with a boyfriend will ditch you at least once for the boy.

friends are never going to leave you like boys will, even if you have ditched them.

BUT

date a guy that really hurt me,

you're no friend of mine.

Lately The Weather Has Been So Bipolar and Consequently So Have I..

I'm back into the swing of things, I think.  Spring Break was fun and Texas is pretty neat!  I miss the warm weather there, and the smaller amounts of WIND.  There's nothing like Nebraska weather - blizzards in the West and tornados in the East.  Very bipolar, like I'm starting to think I am.  

No matter what I do, I keep thinking about my life and relationships, or lack there of.  It's kind of funny when people don't believe me when I say I've never had a boyfriend and I'm pretty hopeless at this point.  I keep wondering what's so wrong with me, what makes me so undesirable?  Such a baffling question... sometimes, I think I'm alright and other times, I just hate myself.  Then I always question my social life - like I've written about before, am I even in the right place to find what I'm looking for?  I'm in this never-ending quest to find someone to love me for who I am and all that nonsense.  My attempts are futile.  Something else that's puzzling is the girls that have so many interested boys, yet they shrug them off for some reason or another.  If only I could be wanted like that.  I don't want to be like those girls, I somewhat like how I am, but I want to be wanted too.  Is that too much to ask for?

...sigh

9:02 A.M.

I'm finally in Texas, and the trip did not come without some interesting and pretty cool moments...
A recap:

We left from Lincoln around 2:30 yesterday shooting for Oklahoma City, OK to stay the night. It was around a 6-7 hour drive, so lots of being in a car with 5 people don't even know that well. It was pretty fun. The plan was to stay in a church in Ok City and a lady was supposed to let us in... well she doesn't like her cell phone apparently so we made a trip to the memorial...

"On April 19, 1995, at 9:02 a.m., a bomb exploded just 100 yards east of here..." were the first words I read when we got to the memorial... It was dark, quiet, and chilly. Almost eerie. Walking through the gate of time, 9:01, a scene opens up and sends shivers down your spine. It was beautful. There's a feild of 168 empty chairs stood to symbolize the people who lost their lives that day, 19 of the chairs were small, for the children. The chairs were arranged in 9 rows for each of the building's floors. A reflection pond stretched between 9:01 and 9:03 am. Across from the rows of chairs stands strong, the survivor tree. Across the street where a parish once stood was a statue of Jesus... "As Jesus Weeps". A story about Jesus mourning the loss of his friend in the destruction of Jerusalum. In Oklahoma City, Jesus turns away from the destruction and weeps in front of the a granite wall with 9 rows of blocks. This was like nothing I've ever experienced before, the serenity of the place, the meaning behind everything, was overwhelming. I went off on my own to capture the beauty of this memorial with my camera. I took so many pictures... I'll always remember visiting the memorial. It was aboslutely breathtaking.

After our trip to the memorial, we slept in vans in the church parking lot for a couple hours and hit the road again at around 3:30 am. We're all so tired, and hopefully we'll get enough rest to get out on the water tomorrow and ROW!

homesick.

i want to go home.  i miss it.  even though my mommy was here last weekend, I still want to go home so bad.  there's peace and quiet at home.  somewhere you can fully relax and let everything go...

i miss my house, i miss my room, i miss mommy and her food, i miss all of my friends, i miss last year.   i wanna go back in time.  to relive my life last year.  that was such a good year.

aiw;ejf;aoweij;oij.   this is so frustrating.  i don't want to be out on my own.  i don't want to grow up.  FREEZE.  i want it to stay like this.  i don't want to lose anyone i love.  stay right here, stay this way.

please take me back.  rewind.

Boy OH Boy

So much has been happening lately!  I just want everything to slooooow doooowwwn.  Mom's Day was Saturday so my mommy came to visit and it was so good to see her.  I miss her way too much.  Hanging out with Johnna, Ben, and Lesley is always fun too!  The Raiders will be playing in the State Tourney on Thursday, and Fiesta Feed is that night as well!  I definitely need a break, and thank goodness spring break starts Friday!  NU Crew is going to Austin, Texas for break!  I'm so excited!  We're heading to Oklahoma City on Friday, then down to Austin on Saturday!  We'll be gone for a whole 8 days!  We get to be just out on the water, doing our rowin thang.  I can't wait!  School is just really getting on my nerves!  And of course, I have two tests and one paper due the week we get back!  LAME!  

In other news,  I'm getting a macbook, because they're sweet and I won't have my iMac for about a year.. SAD.  I'll miss it, but I get it back so I'll have TWO macs.  I'm just rolling in the technology.  There's not a whole lot else that's been going on besides work and practice.

Ciao

Even Slumdogs Win

I'm in a happy mood, even though there's snow on the ground.  Again, after we have 60+ degree weather in the same week.  Anyway, I just saw Slumdog Millionaire, you know, the movie that won eight Oscars!  It was pretty incredible.  Such an amazing story...  In the end all that mattered was love :D  How cute.  It was destiny.  What is that anyway?  I wonder if I was ever destined to be with someone like they were.   hmmm...   I guess I'll never know 'till it happens.

The Endless Search...

Lately I've been really thinking about what I actually want, where I'm looking for it, and how I might get what it is that I do want.  I had some kind of epiphany, the kind that I always get every once in a while.  

My question: "What the hell am I doing?"  Obviously, we're always looking for that one person, (insert mushy spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with talk). Duh.  But will it work if you're looking for them when everyone's wasted with only one thing on their minds?  No.  Duh.  There's lots of duh moments going through my mind lately...  It never has, and most likely never will make sense that you'll find your "soulmate" when you're partying your nights away.  Nobody's real, nobody means what they say, people rarely tell the truth, and everyone says what they think people want to hear.  That's not even a person, in my mind.  It's the person made up by society to fit in at parties.  DUH.  

My conclusion: when you're partying like a rockstar, you're in whatever universe you want it to be, nothing is real.  Nobody claims to remember things anyway, even if they did, they wouldn't admit it.  Alcohol is such a lame excuse for almost everything.  Yep, I'm bashing something I take part in virtually every weekend of the past 2 years.  I suppose we all come to a point where enough is enough.  I just can't stand fake people who blame things on being hammered.  I can't grasp why people have to escape to that every weekend, and even up to 2 nights in the week as well.  Being you isn't good enough for anyone these days, which is probably why I'll resort to the drinking Twilight Zone like the rest of 'em.

Uhg...

My solution:  quit messing around with the unnecessary stuff.  Join another club?  Do something other than what I've been doing, because it's obviously not working.  Let's see if I can do it.

I read this quote today: "You must be the change you want to see in the world."  I feel like that is so true.  I like it.

Also, for Lent, I want to give up soda.  That's just the start, because I would love to quit drinking sugary bad stuff for good.  Let's see if I can do that as well.

Farewell-

A Busy Bee

Again, I always find some way to neglect my blogs.  Sorry, blog.  I've been wayyy busy this week.

Class every day, work training every night, and a calculus test tomorrow?!  Definitely not my kind of week, but at least I'm making some sort of money!

Lately, all I do or think about is sleeping.  I better not be getting sick.  But, I'm actually just writing this before I take a nap before another night of work.  Fun.

In other news,  it's crazy boy wednesday, so if boys have been acting strange, that's why.  It's pretty strange how they ignore you every other day then they pay attention to you on this wednesday.  I've had multiple encounters of strange behavior.  One asked, are you in soc?  I told him yes, you asked me to sit by you one day.  Then he told me that one day, he asked me if I was in that class, and apparently I told him no.  You get crazy kudos for the day.

Exhausting...   goodnight.

Like a Lamb

Today is a good day :D.   I got 100% on a calc quiz & it's absolutely B-E-A-UTIFUL!  61 degrees in February.  What better to do than go ride bikes?!  This weather puts me into such a good mood.  I love it!  I really want to fly kites, but the wind is so unpredictable here!  My momma told me that Spring semester here is the most fun!  I'm guessing it's because everyone's been cooped up from the cold and when good weather comes around, everyone's in great spirits!  I wanna lay in the grass and listen to The Shins - that's relaxing.  I hope everyone else is out enjoying the nice weather if you've got it!

a bientot!

Hello World

I caved.  Yes, I'm back at blogging.  Long ago I had a xanga, but I feel like that's in the past and fresh starts always feel good.  I love to just write out my feelings when I can't necessarily verbalize them to anyone, especially here.

I'm in the second semester of my first year at UNL.  I love it here, but I do wish I still had some old friends that were closer.  Moving six hours away doesn't really allow a lot of visits back home, where I left the most important people in my life.  First semester was filled with first, disappointment when I wasn't accepted into my Grandmother's or Mother's old sororities, but some pretty amazing young ladies in Alpha Xi Delta found me in October, and I've been there ever since.  Then of course, what's Nebraska without Husker football?  With all of the Fall distractions, and visits back home, the homesickness wasn't near as bad as it is now.

Cold and dreary weather sure have an effect on people - sadness.  This isn't just about the weather.  I just recently made the decision to live in Lincoln for the summer, meaning:  I'll never live in my Home ever again.  I was shocked by the realization of this.  I've officially gone into the real world on my own.  I never thought this would happen so early in my life, (I was shooting for another year or two at home) but in all reality, this decision is the best for me.  I've just been hired at a nice restaurant, where I can make more money than I'll ever make in Sidney, and Lord knows you need all the money you can get when you go to a major university.  I also plan to take a phlebotomy class that starts in April and ends in June.  With Spring semester ending early in May, I would have to stick around for about a month to finish the phlebotomy class.  Also, there's always the possibility of summer school, so I can get ahead in my credits which will hopefully help me graduate on time - before Med School, but we won't go into that just yet.

*Sigh*  I only hope I can create friendships as good as the ones I have back home.  I miss them.  It's pretty hard to meet just a few of the masses of people here, let alone live with someone, they don't know or understand you like your old friends do.  It's just not the same...

So here I am, feeling almost alone in the world, ready to start a completely new life in a big city.  It's pretty darn frightening if you ask me, but I already know I'm very good at adapting, so I'm pretty optimistic about everything, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

-Toodles